Day21 Mar30

I woke up around 7 something, feeling a bit too hot. Shit, I have forgotten to turn off the heater when I went sleeping.

I started doing the unfinished painting. I tried the Glenn Brown way but ended up more a Van Gogh way.

Dav knocked on my door around 9. I cooked both of us breakfast and went back to my room.

I found there're too many text message in my mobile and I gotta delete some. I read them randomly, considering which were worth to keep and which were not. Actually most of them were memory of my previous life which could not harm me or help me in all ways. But the memories kept flowing back into consciousness, the days I have been with him particularly. My days here don't make me forget you I must say, I am pretty good at memory, especially the time I want it. But I am quite thankful that night you said you wanted to remember your place in Hong Kong apart from all those places I used to hang out and got drunk. Still I wanted to tell you how shitty things have been here, how this place is filled with lunatics. I know it doesn't matter to the least bit of you, so that's alright. What's over, should be over, I want it or not. It's something in my previous life.

But I treated you as if the only one I could talk with, I hope you knew it. Okay it doesn't matter to the least bit of the whole insanity either.

It indeed feels terrible when every day I wake up in a new room and had to do my reality check as daily routine, checking my cash, my cards, my passports. Funny enough.

I texted Paul and continued my painting. He texted me back when he woke up around noontime.

Dav knocked my door again, and said he wanted to have a chat about the landlord above him. It was a normal talk at the beginning but later his talks turned nasty and tried to block my way when I turned away. I shut myself in the fucking room again until I went out to pick Paul up. He and I went to a coffee and I told him another lunatic story. He promised just give him a call if Dav's trying hurt me. I can't help laughing when I explained that for people. Laughing at the fact that I came all the way from Hong Kong, to this insane shit.

He bought me some food and brought the dish and cups and fork and knife as well. And a cooking pan. I asked him is he bringing me 2 knives, one to eat, another one to kill myself. He said it is to kill Dav when he dares touch me. We sat on the bed smoking. We are both very tired in one way and the other.

Later I walked him back to the main road and I went back. It should be 6c outside but I feel a lot warmer than in Hong Kong. I am dressing up like 20c in Hong Kong.

Paul is so far the only person that I can trust like a girl, as a girl.

It's not Dav wanted to rape me or not, I am severely fed-up with this lunatic city. I am sick of it but I can't go back to Hong Kong yet. Can I stop running into insane animals in form of human beings? A peaceful quiet harmless environment like an hotel or a hospital ward is all that I ask for, let me go, PLEASE. I don't understand why people can't just leave me in the room reading or bury myself in the blanket.

Later I found out I had burnt the plug of the heater. Shit. I am fed-up with shit. Seriously.

I continued reading Norwegian Wood in my room after he left, and I found myself very much like in that mental hospital. When I was lying in my blanket, the memory of the night before the first blessed landlord threw me out of his damned house. The same fear was immediately aroused. Paul said I won't be left in the street again, but I told him, it drives me crazy that I can't find a place to be at peace for the whole 3 weeks in Liverpool. Even when Trevor or him could take care of me, it can only be like a week or two. Then I gotta pack my things and run again. I am so frightened all the time even when the main door opens or someone talking in the kitchen. How have I walked into shit like this. It is not about finding somewhere else to live. People here are just terrible. I gotta make sure my door is securely locked whether I am in the room or out of the room. Can you understand that fear? When people ask you to pay when you take things, that make sense; when people ask you to take things and you refuse to, it sounds impolite to them. But just because you offer me so little tiny help, am I going to sell myself to you? Or change my way of thinking? Fucking hell, I am a Chinese girl but I am not empty-headed. I don't know where you got that information or impression that chinese girls are all nuts but you can go fuck yourself if that comes to your mind again. Those tricks won't work on me. Even if I were 3 years old I knew it well. I am sorry but it makes terribly no sense to me.

Can things just stop scaring me for a while? I am not greedy at all, am I?

I smoked quite a lot today, more than I used to. And I can't get rid of my headache all day.

I have learnt too much today. Can't believe I have the urge to kill myself every single day. Every second I have to deal with people is just pain in the neck. I'd rather starve to death than having someone who wants to cook for me and cook me at the same time.

But still I am the toughest girl on Earth today. The next thing I have to start learning is to make up stories and put a friendly mask on my face. I have been learning for years without success.
___________________________________
In the evening he asked me to help him cut the chicken and I didn't know where to start with. He laughed at me for I knew no cooking at all. I really hate the fact that he places himself so high to the point that I am an idiot. Only an idiot doesn't know himself an idiot. And whether I know how to deal with the chicken or not is none of your business as well. No boys dare criticize me for not knowing how to cook. I can cook in my way and according to my taste and I can paint your wall fix your cupboard and talk about Freud and Shakespeare, nuclear crisis and politics, Hitchcock and Steve Jobs when I have the mood to. The fact is I just don't bother with chicken. I can survive with pawn or salmon mushroom penne or chicken salad with an apple; I can make baked pawn in cheese as well as honey chicken wings. I never cook for people and I never store meal for a few days. Why do I have bother how to cut the whole chicken? Plus I don't know how to use the kitchen. The whole shit is as ridiculous as I criticizing you don't know how to make sweet and sour pork in the Chinese way. Okay, I don't know that either.

Finally Dav couldn't stand it and said that he liked me and loved me and is so attracted to me.

Alright you have been criticizing me from in and out head to toe and you love me so much. So I should take all your criticism as compliment, shouldn't I? You don't even understand the use of men is to 'pay compliments and pay bills' (not said by others, but Oscar Wilde) but no others, and you dare to chase me?

To be honest I am looking for someone who can really understand my system throughly, but not pretending he knows me a lot that kind of shit. Part of my system is that, I am not changable. My programs predeterminate what kind of things I am going to do and if you are clever enough you can take advantage of my system. But the first part is to understand the system without pre-assuming you know it. That's why people who usually can overpower me are those who have a similar mechanism as I do. And at the end they are all creeps and jerks like me.

I told him it's not matter who he is, it's what I am. I am so FUCKING TIRED, OMFG. I spent the whole evening listening to him and explaining to him why it is quite impossible. I felt like a manager of an job interview, telling him why he hadn't met the critiria. We are as different as a cat and a dog. He just loved keep talking and talking while I am not bothered to say 'hey fuck off.'And so he called me too shy and humble. He just threw out every word in front of me like a kid. I am not interested in boys, I am interested in men. And please don't think you can 'lower' yourself to my level, I am humble simply because there are too many people on earth overestimated themselves, I have never underestimated myself. I know deep inside I know nothing but another fact is most people even know less than I do. I keep everything inside me is because I hate nearly all human beings, to a certain point. I hate them enough to block all of them out of my door.

Never say that you understand me or you can read my mind if you can't understand such simple fact. I am not too stupid to understand what one should do, but just not clever enough to learn how to.

And I know you have the money, but keep it to yourself. I am not going to sell my ass for a place to live, I say that again, to myself and to the world.

At the end, 正所謂飽暖思淫慾，我飽暖都未搞掂，點思淫慾呀?! 做事要 step by step 嘛！

Day20 29Mar.

It is amazing how time runs, I have really lost count.

I have moved and settled in my new house, Trevor drove me here.

I was all by myself in the daytime, I put things in the wardrobe, it is good that I have some hangers to hang my clothes and drawers to put my stuff in. I texted the landlord as well as Ronnie as well as Paul once I feel settled.

It is very hard to feel settled, something sounds more easy than it used to be when I was in Hong Kong. I started the painting that I was doing and hide myself in the blanket when I got my blanket. I fell asleep in the blanket as well when I felt not really tired. and woke up again later reading Paul's Norwegian Wood.

I went to sleep around 10 or 11, I have lost count in time as well.

Liverpool is a weird place, it is a forest of red brick.

Day18 Mar28

I feel like I start losing count of days.

I have kept a clear record of my days so far but my sense of time is fading away.

I woke up in the morning, early as usual, but turned on the computer in the bed. I had a coffee, then a shower, then had my egg in milk as usual. I wrote a letter to some friends and mailed that. Later I sat downstair with Dero and Lisa for a cup of tea, and figured out how and when to move tomorrow with Trevor.

It was 7C but the RealFeel Temp was 0C. OMFG. I told Wendy and she asked if I got enough clothes. "Still have enough clothes to change and match everyday, not yet get bored.' Spoiled Central girl.

Around 2pm I saw Paul sitting and smoking right in front of the bombed church. It was a very very funny scene like some villain in Batman, long gold hair, small eyes, plain white face, in total black clothes and boots. As if waiting to kill Batman. He must be living a better life if he attend any Batman or Spiderman casting.

We went to the supermarket and bought some food and wine and walked home. He asked me to pick up whatever I wanted, so I bought 2 packs of rocky road. That reminds me of certain things in Hong Kong.

Memory is sometimes like a waterfall that it washes almost everything away; but sometimes it has a life of itself, and you just can't take control over it. Too many things happening in less than 20 days here and memory of the 20 years behind me seems to be the only thing I can rely upon.

If I had to go by myself, I would still probably get lost.

He made me coffee and sandwiches, and we watched the Blake Runner.

About 5 he went out for a football game and I finished the film myself. I climbed up on his chair and grabbed Murakami's Norwegian Wood, started reading.

We chatted till 9 and he walked me back to Trevor's place. His lunatic expression still makes him very much like a villain in comic books but also makes me laugh a lot. It seems warmer tonight and we saw stars all over the skies. 

He may come on Mon with the wood panels. That'd be nice.

I haven't been in such pure relationship with a male I must say. Even when he says whenever I feel fed-up or depressed in my new house, I can always come to his, I know he didn't mean to eat me alive. And seems anytime he's off he'll be okay to help me for anything.

Hell, a lot better than all you jerks in Hong Kong.

So I decide to invite him over to my new place (for the wood panels) and make dinner for him on Monday.

Temperature is now 5C while the RealFeel Temp is 2C. I must say before I come here, I must have over-terrified by the numbers. Actually I wear almost no differently when I was in Hong Kong and in here, but sometimes I can still feel hot enough that I can sweat.

And I think rocky road can really makes me happy, I can make some by myself once I get settled. I miss the Hong Kong food a lot so I guess I will really take up cooking.

I am moving tomorrow.

Day17 Mar27

I slept early last night, so that early this morning I was awake. Thinking about rubbish.

Trevor always turns on the radio for the whole day recently which I hate very much. Like a downpour of forcible information into my ears, which I had no interest at all. Like attending a listening exam. Nightmare. Can't help being anti-social.

Therefore, I left my living room around 12pm and smoked with Paul at the door. He made me a tea and later we went buying lunch. To my surprise he played Leonard Cohen, which I didn't know it is simply a coincident or in purpose.

I sat with Dero ( I still don't know how to spell and now I am making things up) and Paul for the whole afternoon. I was doing my scarf, Paul did the price tags, Dero was climbing up and down because I have taken his seat.

Time passed easier today.

Finally I have posted all the scarves and 2 letters to my family. And letters will be mailed to you sooner or later, my friends, I have never forgotten you.

It's very windy today but the air might be warmer next week. Some patience needed.

Paul invited me over his place and do some art tomorrow. 

Day16 Mar26

As usual, I spent hours in the toilet in the morning.

And I went to the Walker again to take some pictures for the paintings I am going to do next.

I went to Home&Bargain to buy the last canvas and tissue paper home. But Trevor said it should be the toilet rolls instead of the kitchen rolls. :/

The fact that I can't paint in where I am is still pain in the ass.

I finished the last heart and slept very early after dinner.

A day like this is somehow too long.

Day15 Mar25

I woke up in the midnight because of the moist and the weed in the air of Paul's flat. I didn't know I should have the blanket covered over my head to make me warmer, or should pull it away so that I don't have to smell the weed.

I must have struggled for a while and slept again. When I woke up again it was 7 something and I had a dream of leaving Paul's house because of insomnia and met loads of weird people who attempted to harm me and I took the train but the train went to God-knows-where.

And Paul's steps woke me up.

Paul made me coffee and I had some fruit and cookies as breakfast. We sat there till about 10 and walked back to the shop.

It's indeed the first time I feel so comfortable with a male at his home as a friend. A mutual friend. But this morning reminds me of many mornings I have been in many other's places, feeling both numb and weird, sometimes guilty. There should be love too.

I went back to Trevor's house and had a shower. I was very tired indeed because it was a sleepless night. I told him about my house hunting. I guess we all agree having somewhere I can shut myself in and completely block the world is the first thing to do, more important than a job.

I have a few paintings which I really want to do now. I think that is one of the solution to end the nightmares every night.

I went to HSBC and finally activated my account after fighting on the net and telephone. I gotta input a pin number that is only known by me but I don't know. Anyway the bank sorted out for me. I guess when it was earlier times the service wouldn't be that good: the HSBC UK has just laid off 12000 people today.

It's the worst of times anyway.

I went to the bookshop and tested my debit card. I bought a pile of cards and wrote one to my parents. It's much easier to find books I want to read here than in Hong Kong. The literature, the poetry, the plays, which no HongKongers would read. Then I met Sandy. We went to the TATE for Glenn Brown and William Blake.

The Glenn Brown one was quite interesting I must say. He uses loads and loads of colors while all his paintings were flat like photos. I couldn't believe it

I walked Sandy to the Paradise Street to catch a bus but she fell down when she was trying to run. I am a bit worried but hope she could be alright.

I walked around and finally visited the Bluecoat. The Bluecoat is a interesting heritage.

I have eventually solved my bank acc today.

I don't know how far I can walk.

Day14 Mar24

Trevor was out to London in the morning. I woke up around 7am and had a shower, wait till 12noon and left the shop.

The guy who I never remembered his name drove me to Kensington to have a look of the house. It is a house of Malaysian and Chinese. I was not really impressed.

Then I went back to town and had a walk at John Lewis. I remembered the good old days when I never have to think twice to buy clothes. It's unnecessary though.

I caught the 86 and went to Smithdown. The house was inside an avenue. Had to walk a bit. But there are more shops and restaurants and more importantly there's ASDA 7 minutes away.

The household was a black. I was a bit scared at first. But I am scared when whatever happens. Anyway, the room is just 130pounds and the bills were included and There's also living room and tele and pillow and blanket and bright light and neat kitchen and wifi. NOT TOO BAD.

I have had the house key now and I can move in on Sunday.

I went to meet Ronnie after that and he was very happy for me. We had a coffee also with 2 others girls.

They are very amazed by the price of the room that I got.

After coffee I went back to the shop and picked up the stuff to Paul's place.

We chatted till 2am and I slept on the sofa, he slept in the room.

So finally I have got somewhere to stay with an amazingly cheap offer. Just want to feel settled for a while before any more changes.

Day13 Mar23

I could not sleep very well last night and woke up quite early. Yet it is quite cold so it took me some time to get out of my bed. My foldable bed.

I made my milk with egg and paid 20pounds for all my expenditure in these couple of weeks.

I checked my email and found someone responding to my Starving Artist Fund.

OMG. GOD LOVES ME AND YOU.

I can't find my notebook which I have probably left in Paul's flat. I don't like this, though I know Paul is harmless.

It's raining outside. It's cold. I hate this.

Another day has gone.

I sat on the sofa reading for the whole morning. Around noontime Trevor threw me out of the flat. I knew he was right, I should be looking for my own flat and work, sitting won't help. But god knows how lazy I am. And no doubt I gotta spend money when I go out. I just wanted to stick on the sofa for the whole day.

Anyway,  I took an hour struggling, another hour for a shower, and managed to leave home before 2pm. It was sunny to my surprise, still cold. British weather.

I went to Mellomello to ask if anyone can teach me how to start looking for a flatshare. They said I could start with newspaper or go up to those student hostels next to the Flute. I went up hill and looked for the Flute and the hostels next to them. Not too helpful. They are really only for students.

I went back to Bold Street and happened to see a restaurant hiring people. I went in and asked. I left my details and contact and hope I can find a job there. I asked the waiter about looking for a flat. He knows a girl in Kingsinton and maybe able to help. I thanked them and went to the FACT art space. Then I sat down and called the girl. The girl spoke cantonese as well and will be able to offer a room within 200pds/month.

I went back to Mellomello again. The waiter there reckon me as Japanese I guess and gave me some fried rice tea. I sat there reading Umberto Eco.

'Hence his relief at having escaped death was now accompanied by dismay at this treble solitude;

I imagine that in those days, and on those seas, more ships were wrecked than returned safely home; but to one shipwrecked for the first time the experience must have been a source of recurrent nightmares' 

Later I went home and I checked my email. Another guy could able to offer me a room in Smithdown 130pds/month.

I am going to see both houses tomorrow.

And I have bought a stretched canvas in Home & Bargain today. Painted the back acrylic layer. Looking forward to moving to my new place as soon as possible. I have the whole finished painting in my mind.

Day12 Mar22

I spent the whole morning in front of my macbook. Sending emails in hope of my Starving Artist Fund working.

Then I went to New Brighton with Ronnie, by train. The weather was very cold and we were heading to a castle which was built to defend the Nazi but finally useless. They were having a tribute concert to Buddy Holly in a basement cell of the building.

I knew actually only one song, that is 'It's so easy to fall in love'. And where I have learnt it was from Ang Lee's Brokeback Mountain.

Later I had a chat with Pat in the radio station. Pat was very eager to help me out of my recent shit and asked Glen to help. Yet I don't want to give my headache to everybody. Glen drove me back to the antique shop and I didn't expected it closed early on Sunday, half an hour earlier. I called Trevor to come down for me. I went home and stuck to the computer again for half an hour. Later I went out and Trevor drove me to Paul's place.

Paul's place is not very big but hanged loads of paintings of different style and there were sample of birds and hawks on the bookshelf. He is a lover of Murakami too.

Paul made me tea and we smoked comfortably on the sofa. We talked about all kind of stuff and he showed me his artwork which are stunning.  We chatted so happily that I forgot to take pictures. Paul understands throughly why I am running away from home and many views of life is quite alike for both of us.

He tried to make me pizza, but he has lost his sense of smell when he was still a child. And I didn't know when the pizza should be alright. He didn't tell me either. At the end he got his kitchen burnt.

We had some cheese and wine instead.

I will try to introduce his work back to HK. He lent me Murakami's The Wind-up Bird Chronicle and walked me downstairs.

Trevor went back and drove me home before 11 pm. I almost forgot time and didn't want to leave. Trevor asked me how do I think of Paul's home, I said comfy and relaxing. He said I am probably the only person finding his place relaxing.

Day11 Mar21

Early in the morning I tried to type my CV, my very ridiculous CV:

Personal Achievement
Arrive in Liverpool on 11Mar, 2009
⁃ And stuck in this ridiculous situation. It is a long story to tell, and will be a lot longer, in case you want to know.

Solo Exhibition- Before the Exile, Feb28-Mar5, 2009
• 10 pieces of oil paintings were exhibited
• 9 out of 10 were sold

Chief Editor in Concord, a school magazine, 06

Chief Designer in a school fashion show which won the best Stage Design, 06

Work Experience
Washing, Cooking, Catering in a cafe in Bottle
Mar 11-16, 2009, illegally unpaid
___________________________________________________________________________

Then Sandy shown up and picked her scarf.

Met Lydia up today. She scolded me very hard for my recklessness. We went to a gallery in Jamarica Street and lunch in Liverpool One later. She was very ill and went home early.

My CV was not too well-prepared so I will have my interview in the Jap restaurant next week. But I gotta move out of Trevor's place next week too. That kinda depressed me but I gotta move sooner or later. Yet where to start with? Hope I can get the tough elderly home job. I am very restless.

3 piece of the heart scarf were ordered. That makes me 84 pounds. And hope I can teach Sandy paint and get going with the commission work she suggested. I know in no way she's kidding me but I am the one in a hurry to get all jobs done.

I will be tough enough.

Day10 Mar20

Early in the morning I was sent to buy eggs. After buying the eggs, I hid myself in the toilet doing nothing while Sandy came.

Sandy is the ex-wife of Trevor, she got red hair and she is dark. She teaches social workers how to deal with traumatized children and she works for the TATE too.

She likes my art very very much and I tried to help her with some acrylic and canvas as some accessaries. We went to buy some art stuff and ate in a Chinese restaurant.

I started painting when I went home. While waiting the acrylic dry, I talked with the staff. I forgot his name.

In the evening, Lydia, another Faye's friend, called me, after hearing part of my story, she questioned, 'Are you crazy, coming to Liverpool empty-handed to look for jobs at such times? No wonder you are friend of Faye.' Ya I guess so. Trevor said he hoped I can survive with my art without washing dishes at the end of this year. I used to be like that in HK, didn't I? It's funny that I am pushing myself down and out and trying hard to build up everything from zero.

So, let's have a look what I have done.

Day9 Mar19

It is a warm sunny day.

I woke up in the morning and sorted out this blog at 5 or 6 in the morning. I was tired but I couldn't sleep.

Trevor made some smoothies for Yanyan and me. It was very delicious and feels like home.

I went to Birkenhead with Ronnie in the afternoon and took some pictures. We went on a Alfred Hitchcock trip after he shown me where to get cheap art stuff in Bold St. The weather was bright and fine.

I went to town and talked with Paul when I went back to the shop after 5pm. I bought some chacoal pencil and thought it is about time for some sketches. We talked about Francis Bacon and Simon Birch.

On one hand I am trying not be worried and wait things falling into its place; on the other hand I am quite insecure of my status.

Yanyan brought her friend and came to dinner at night. I taught her a bit how to use her watercolor pencils and she was very happy.

Gotta find a job, gotta finish my CV. I'd do anything for a place to rent but selling my ass.

Day8 Mar18

The worst had come I hope and the best is yet to come.

I woke up in the morning and tried to talk calmly and sanely to Danny, But he said get out of the house.

I didn't got my paid and optionlessly I packed up all my belongings and left.

He drove me to the YMCA which is far from useful, They are not going to receive me after all. They tried to ask me call this and find that for help, but so far I can still afford a week or two in a hotel. They tried to contact the UNICEF, then finally the city council. But the city council won't help and can't help. I am neither a citizen nor student. They helped me to catch a taxi to the city council anyways and while waiting i called every possible numbers. And finally I reached Trevor who is a vintage antique shop in the town. I tried to explain my situation, half laughingly, I could not believe myself in such shitty insane situation. The council said the landlord was illegal to do such, but OH MY FUCKING GOD, I would sue him if I have a bed to sleep on tonight. Don't tell me those bullshit.

Failed to seek any help from the council, I tried to pull my suitcase and my bags from the city council to a coffee shop nearby. I sat down and had a cappuccino, wondering what's going to do next, not quite knowing what to do. After the coffee I pulled my suitcase, and tried also to push it and see if it can be easier, all along from Lime St. to Renshaw St. to meet Trevor. I felt too tired to walk anymore but I am the toughest girl in the world so I am going to keep walking like an turtle, Finally Trevor approached me and he helped me with the stuff.

I get settled in his house above his vintage shop. He is a very nice guy and has been through many big and small shit. He was ashamed of being a man when he was 19 and lived few years as a woman, but living with a woman who acted like a man and beat him up. He knows people all over the world and understands my situation. He said I can do nothing as long as I like, until I am recovered. He kept using the word trauma, but I didn't realize how much damage it caused until I was really alone later.

I went to meet Ronnie the actor but I had no mood to pick up my pen and do any sketches. I left the company and walked around for a while then I went home. My new home.

Trevor finished his shop in the evening and cooked Indian chicken for me and the other Chinese girl. She's quite nice and warm. I was just too tired and I slept right after eaten on the sofa. Trevor later woke me up to sort out the bed. I got a folded bed. But on the bed I can't sleep, The images flashed back to the days that I was living in the house and I was scared.

This morning I woke up trembling and sweating by nightmares. I opened my eyes, and looked around. Guess I am safe and saved.

Hope the peace can last a little longer. I gotta be the toughest girl in the world, I am not gonna die yet.

Day7 Mar 17

Today is the best and the worst day of my life. The shit that I have foreseen comes sooner than I expected. I had the shittiest argument in my life and I am desperately looking for a move. Danny is much uncivilized than one can be, god, he's a university graduate and he shouted at me with all the f-words, and said it was me who fucking shouting at him.

Desperately I called the nasty guy for somewhere to stay instead. I don't know how shitty things can be but I have stood enough of it.

I have met an actor who names Ronnie and he brought me to his script-writing class. I did not fucking agreed that I'd be back by 5, how on earth did Danny think that way. And I got a lovely sketch from Tommy, a friend of Ronnie. Everything was fine and fun until I got home. That so-called home.

I am just so fucking overwhelmed but I can't take things with simply emotions. It's no place ruled by reasons but reason is the only option.

Wish I were bullet-proof. It's the worst shit in my history and I'd start my life in any hostel instead if I had had a choice. Things can't go back, no they can't. I lack even any internet to search for the next possible place to stay.

I will be the toughest 21-year-old girl on earth. I will be, definitely. I have no choice, optionless. I can't go back to Hong Kong empty-handed in this way.

Maybe I gotta learn to compromise a bit, but I have compromised enough as I have learnt so far, so that 50 pounds, I have no fucking way to compromise. I need reasons and civilization.

Thanks god I know some non-barbarians in Liverpool finally. Hope they can bring me somewhere, less shitty.

I am the toughest 21-year-old. I definitely am. I don't want to stick with men and wait for their offer. I gotta find a proper job to keep me painting and breathing. Things are crazy like shit here.

It's my exile after all, knowing nobody, having no money.

Now surely I understand money can't solve every shit. Control and predictability do. There are always more to see than to be seen, to do than to be done, I can't allow myself sticking in such shit after all.

But I still have credit card for renting a bed in the hostel, isn't it? Or should I really make my way to London? God, I don't want to, but if I have no choice.

Should I stay in the fucking house tomorrow or should I climb out from the window for another exile? I can't make up my mind. Both options are equally dangerous. What have I really walked into?

Day6 Mar16

Obviously I am over-educated and over-qualified as a waitress, or a dishwasher (or I would say, under). The job is only 5 hours a day but it is enough to drive me insane and absolutely depressing. The Liverpool ascent is another concern. I look as if I were dumb and deaf in front of them. I should have learnt this when I was talking to Alex. It is absolutely no joke, I can understand every word on the TV which is always either London ascent or American.

Finally I made my way home by myself today and cooked some penne with mushrooms and pepper. Fucking hell, I miss Hong Kong for the food and more importantly, internet. I am completely cut-off from the world after moving into this house and for Christ's sake that guy could be my saviour. Just be aware will the cost be too high.

If this were what I am looking for throughout my exile, no doubt, I am done.

But Daphne, can you stop being so fickle and irritable for one second? That will only drive you into deeper shit and you won't be able to bear the consequence.

Things are driving me fucking crazy now. Blame it on my period. I can't even function. I don't want to wash dishes anymore. My hands won't stand it.

I know I need some help, definitely. Actually being someone's lover is not a bad deal either.

Life is pretty insane here.

Day5 Mar15

I met a stranger in the bookstore today. It can be something crucial to my life. We went out for a coffee and he asked me to work in his restaurant and he could offer me place to live in. I don't know him, he doesn't know me either. Of course I want to move into town. Contex Park, no doubt, isn't the place for me. Yet no matter what I don't want to run into trouble. I am still not sure whether it is a risk worth taking, but how can I make sure he is not taking advantage of me in any possible way? How can such thing even be possible?

I don't know nothing. But what a temptation. I am fed up with British breakfast.

Now I guess things can start with a more fair deal: I do the interior design for that guy and I move in the city that will be his cost.

Things are going to be interesting here now.

To be honest, I can't believe that stupid trick works again in my fifth day of my stay.

Men. I need a lover I don't have to love. I am not trying to pretend to be pure or innocent, it can be a nasty deal. But what nasty things haven't I done? I know I am going to get your nerves, while keeping mine sane.

Mind games, always mind games. I don't know nothing, but being a perfect plaything out of anyone's reach.

Friends, I'll make sure we can be nothing but friends, no kisses, no touches, no sex. Everyone is looking for something, right? There's nothing wrong. Just make sure the deal is fair.

Day4 Mar14

day4 14 Mar

I was literally infamous for how messy I can allow myself to be at home and among my friends. Yet in this place even I cant stand how messy the couple can be.

Early in the morning, I woke up, and made my coffee. The next thing is of course find something edible. Alright, my room is messy and dust everywhere because you never use this room by yourselves and that is kind of reasonable. But I can't understand why as a restaurant owner you don't have even usable oil in your place. Let alone salt and pepper. I had no way to make myself any warm breakfast and all I could do is eating chocolate and smoking. God, I have no keys and I don't quite know where the nearest shop is. I am starving to death and this time I really miss Hong Kong.

The food is no doubt depressing here.

Human beings can get used to anything. Yet for the time being, I really want to leave this house. Consider how much a Centraler I have been for my whole life in Hong Kong.

Now I have found the absolute silence and nothingness what I have longed for, but food and peace are scarce. It's okay to have no mobile and internet, much things could be much better if shops and restaurant are not so out of reach. Now surely I understand money is not useful in some situations.

I tried to call dad and mom today.

I am waiting for something to go wrong, in my way. But I can hardly see that for the time being.

Day2 Mar12

The time of the sunset and the sunrise is almost like Hong Kong, but the days are a lot longer than the days I spent in Hong Kong, Working in the shop, insanely crazy for almost 8 hours in the morning, then Cate went out with me to visit the city centre of Liverpool. It's nice and beautiful like all the European cities I have been to. Not disappointing at all, and I believe there are so much to be found out later.

But I am still struggling whether I should go to town tomorrow after work, or go straight home. I am so exhausted and my body will soon fall into pieces if tomorrow is still the same.

Gotta have some sleep, my god.

Just hope the couple can clear the room for me, and then I can have some life of my own here soon.

Day One

早上十時，身在曼城。

在香港三月十日23.45起飛直到倫敦，從倫敦過五關斬六將一路北上，沒有想象中可怕，在最不可能的姿勢下也睡得到，當然，比沒睡還倦。鼻敏感比上次到芬蘭好多了，大難不死。過關時有位不懂英語的女子遇上點麻煩

，關員叫我給他做翻譯，然後很快的手地讓我過關了。每次過關也很像考 AL Oral，無無謂謂地對答一番。我不知他們說甚麼，他又不知我說甚麼，然後要除鞋才能過安檢，很像誰也很可怕。

然後看著太陽從機場大樓後升起，我的第一個早晨。

說起來，昨晚是我經歷過最長的一晚，整整差不多二十小時，陽光很耀眼，天很高，地的很闊。

拍照時和一個 Latin America 的哈佛教授談起來，他問我是否 Artist，或 Photographer，我說想相信是。他告訴我用科學去做art，例如紅外線和印象主義等等。我們交換了 Email，他說要寄我他寫的 MicroBiology 書云云。遇見是緣份，再見是福分，很有趣的人。
從曼城到利物浦

幾番折騰來到利物浦，I must have fallen from the sky，天陰陰。不知去向。有點不明所意，千里迢迢來到這個鳥不生蛋的地方，四處也是破破爛爛的紅屋。結果打的來到 Danny 和 Cate 的店子。也是工業區。很多貨車。

Cate是個很可愛的女子，也很是漂亮，又勤力。很快便告訴我廚房要注意的大小事項。

三時半還沒洗澡，四十小時也來了，很要命。
等到達cate 放班，一起回家去，走了很多的路.

I am too tired to type Chinese anymore, forgive me. I then had a bath, and we went out for a drink in the Derby Mill. She was very sweet but definitely from a different world of mine. No matter what, I hoped we could get along.