運

今早捱了六小時到 London。怕且黑了好久也是時候給我歇一歇吧。

我現在住在 Central London一家酒店，單人房，獨自一人。房租我連價錢也不知。該是二三百鎊一晚。得四塊牆，總算關了門天倒下來也不關我事。

我等了那麼久，可算有兩晚安睡了。

沒錯，我沒賣身，不過又是男人錢。我身價愈來愈貴了。

今天在 tube 突然想起忘記打給 Paul 報到，但走了很久還沒上得到地面，很氣，不明為何兩個多小時會忘記得一乾二淨。

他無事不記，我無事不忘。

無可否認吾生最愛住的地方是酒店。

28 Apr,09

無無謂謂的又過了一天，If today is so much like yesterday, yesterday will be very much like today，唉。不同的是我胃痛了一整天，在這兒每每吃豆類製品也定必出事，也不知是 chips 還是 bean burger 作怪，我知驚了。

於是晚上我跟 Paul 說今晚我吃不得很多，不用怎弄我吃的。豈料他給了我兩個 Tuna fishcakes 加兩個包加Salad加Chips，我說我吃不下那麼多，他說 There’s not much……但之後他看完波回來，他自己就只吃兩個 fishcakes 幾粒豆一個包，世事真很不公平呢。

其實我怎也不像會犧牲小我完成大我餓死自己的人，Paul 今天在店子見我第一句是吃了早餐沒有，很中國人啊。

看了 The City of Lost Children，很出奇是和天使愛美麗同一個導演，因為畫面和故事也比愛美麗浮誇很多倍，有時間會再看。

然後看了兩三集 family guy，可能文化差異吧，很多位我也聽得懂也不懂笑，反而 Paul 就笑得很開心。

晚上換睡衣時驚覺睡衣縮水了，Paul 說該是我們搬屋運送途中出錯，但也很好看呀。我也不知好不好笑。

別誤會，我的睡衣不是粉紅吊帶 Lace，是一件連帽的 Overall。

今天的壯舉是印了十份精簡CV見 waitress 工， 我告訴 Paul，很矛盾地，一方面他想我早點有些事兒做，自力更生，自給自足，另一方面又不想我太急，做些辛苦無謂工。 唉，我想死。

關係

想不到出走十萬八千里，我找到了我最想追求的關係。

沒錯，就是那種我誇下開口說的一段我想結了婚是等於乾柴烈火後你我各自修行分開食分房訓然而他朝我跌跛腳發高燒會有人送我到急症室又或碰巧放假會陪我輪街症的完美關係。

我想大多數女人也不願接受這種「關係」，信就該信愛是兩個人什麼也應一起，一生一世，我很難相信這樣就是做人的終極目標，就像死後上天堂一樣那般「話唔埋」。我始終覺得做人已夠多東西話唔埋，希望越大失望越大，何苦再信多個 concept來給自己藉口對鏡自憐傷春悲秋？

因為種種原因，我現在住在一個男性朋友家，看到這兒，再想想我的豐功偉績，會否想入非非？但答案是沒有，什麼也沒有，除了臨睡一個 goodbye hug，然後我睡沙發他睡房。認識了他一個多月，多虧有他大事小事也兩脅插刀要不不是我死了就是我殺了人坐牢不用憂米飯了。

起初友人照顧我乃因為知道我怕沒錢用會餓壞自己，之後我租了一間房，豈料房東是變態的，沒多久我怕得很少回去睡，他就三餐一宿也照料我了，一路也不肯收我錢，又清理地方給我做 studio。這兩天我的免稅煙抽盡了，他竟給我買了包薄荷煙，死未。

我們晚上有興致就把酒談心談至兩三時，或看戲，或聽歌，要不就各自修行看書抽煙寫東西。

我也無心白吃白住耐何交了屋租也給人性騷擾，世事就是那般摸不著頭腦。

好一個神交對象。

我告訴媽媽和朋友，起初誰也不信有貓不吃魚，然後大家也不住問，他是否 gay的？再說便是有否想過認真？認真？我們之間什麼也沒有，就像是無端端問你會不會跟自己的兄弟認真，摸不著頭腦。

可能由於我不喜歡 multi-function 的東西，手表ipod 電話相機我怎也是分開，不能夠多合一就草草了事，不是貪心，而是豈能不見了電話，我連現在何時也無從得知？就算他朝電話的相機厲害得能換鏡頭，我也沒法「專一」得只擁有一部電話。

那就是說，情人朋友知己玩伴他朝也註定各走各路，不是說不專一，而是不想亦不能向同一個對象苛索太多，我不擅於與人相處，只知對誰也好，相敬如賓，互存敬畏就是道理，太近太深交，往往只會各施壓力，物極必反。

我們說到尾，最天長地久的關係豈非是自己，何苦要執著與某位萍水相逢的過客共諧連理？

杯麵

這個名稱是一兩年前某電台節目聽回來的。當我向朋友解釋是他給我更傳神的 Definition：

-肚餓時打開廚房櫃門就有

-加水即吃，方便快捷

-吃之前也知是什麼味，無期望更無失望

-吃完就丟進垃圾筒，乾手淨腳，不用洗不用乾沒手尾

-吃完還是到喉唔到肺

-味精重，吃完還想再吃

-沒什麼益處。

我一向也認為收藏幾個杯麵沒什麼所謂，不一定發生關係，只是屋企火燭也有地方走避，累了可以抱抱親親的掛名 lover，然後沒患難但各自飛，不在乎天長地久，只在乎曾經擁有。

好，說到這兒有朋友舉手問：好無 point 喎，點解要開始？

對不起，我無法贊同結婚生仔很有 point，不過這純屬個人意見。如果一對情人，雙方也是正常人家，只是要初戀然後結婚生子同偕連理，執子之手與子偕老，有point的戀愛絕對成立；但現實世界是，就算你是一個腦袋正常的人，你的四百萬供書教學也能見財化水，你的子女用盡你那四百萬也當不成醫生律師竟背起結他去流浪，你的另一半有天開始變了活化石十問九唔應，你就開始問你一向認為很有 point 的人生個 point 去了哪裡。然而我們也知那不是最壞情況，更多結了婚生了仔卻糊口也成問題，老公終日不見人，好的話兒子放學就替麥當勞叔叔打工，這種情況大可天長地久了。

因此我絕對不贊成在腦荀縫合期做很有 point 的事，跟我一起最合乎經濟原則兼沒壓力了。

開始有這個念頭時還有點情不自禁的感情，但玩多了，對方說什麼也只當是交戲，我定時定候噓寒問暖也不過例行公事，有時名字也記不起。對，很無 point，但條款清晰你情我願沒半點詐騙成份。你我也明知我椅子也未坐暖必又要走，我尚算年紀輕得有不少東西可以說放手就放手，無可無不可。

直至一件事令我完全不想在利物浦有什麼杯麵。

話說我一天鬼混完，一出門竟見到地方也給我住，整天也怕我餓死，最照顧我的室友，不用問也知我作晚並非在鑽研論語吧，因為我說了大話，為了一個死不足惜的杯麵，我們間多了點不能說的秘密。

自此我沒再玩這種無聊遊戲了，雖然跟室友住沒肉吃(他確實是吃素的)，但總算是正餐。

這也許算是一物治一物吧。

念舊

到了利物浦個多月，不知不覺對一切關於中國的，不，對一切關於香港的特別有興趣，發覺自己竟會念舊起來。

我想我並非想念香港，我想念的是昨天的自己。

當初別人說利物浦會悶死我，我說要到這兒練仙，當然只是說說笑，根本那時走是為了洗底多於一切，沒想要什麼得著，少年輕狂，不經大腦，不想後果；或以為，做什麼也沒有後果，Lack of consequence。天真得以為一個轉身就紅塵已了，怎料那天其實還未頓悟萬般帶不走的下一句是唯有業隨身。

對於香港的面孔，我又不是怎想念，我告訴媽媽我很想看周星馳，也實把她氣得失語。但我也想不到我最想念的面孔會是周星馳啊。

當然，在利物浦這種不怎麼樣的城市，念舊實是情有可原，她最特別之處是，作為一個大城市，確實沒什麼特別得有點過分了吧？但就算流放我到 New York Berlin Barcelona 我知我在不久的將來也會想死。別忘了我最大的特色是從沒安於過現狀。

如果像媽媽所說，人老了，就會怕新事物，就會怕孤單，而我竟開始念舊，說以前的這樣那樣好，那我可能是老了，開始不知明天還有什麼可期許。至少我出走了十萬八千里來到此境，有什麼可期許。

當然香港所有設施制度也是大英帝國的翻版，說到了一個新地方，不如說是時光倒流七十年，我是倒後到一個我記憶之外的過去。還記得第一天到步時在National Express Coach Station我感嘆 You must have fallen from the sky，那時還天真地相信 The best is yet to come，There’s always more to see than to be seen，豈料接二連三的 a series of unfortunate events，到現在也未知何時見底。管不了，想不透，唯有啞忍。

無可否認香港的速度是我最想念的，很難明白我們是身處於同一個地球，用同一種制度，一樣的時分秒速度，就只是慢了八小時而非八十年。要等 things fall into their place，我知，但還要等多久？

也許當一切也是等待時，記憶的畫面是最精彩的了，因此，只好懷念。

 

27 Apr. 09

今天離開了 Smithdown，多得 Paul 接我，不過他堅持用兩條腿走回來，也好，像是對背後的事做一場法事，劃一個句號。

一路上我不禁向後回望，有一種前無去路後有追兵的錯覺。這次旅行到底還要跑多久才找到一個像是家的地方？

來到，又或是回到 Paul 家裡去竟有點百感交雜，累得在沙發上完全死屍般不想動。當然，扣除蓋上眼睡覺的時間我一輩子大半時間仍是死屍般不怎麼會動。Paul 給我老遠把行李各樣拖回來，然後立刻給我執屋執地方放衣服，問我用不用睡覺。我獨個兒抱著電腦看dvd，我也知有點過份，但實在並沒什麼好做。

看了以村上春樹的短篇故事為材的Tony Tamitaki，整套戲像 MV多於一套戲，旁白多於一切，我不禁質疑為何要浪費金錢請演員呢？一粒星。

我很認真地給 Paul 一百鎊但 Paul 死也不肯收，我一向信仰錢是所有東西的流通對換，今天有點動搖，你不收現金，那麼收煙仔麼？白吃白住叫我很不安啊。

何時才找到工。

22 apr

今天終於收到大姨媽的大利是了，和上年同樣時間一樣遲了個多星期，但今回痛了我個多星期。照計又沒可能有左，當然我不敢排除其可能性，但實是甚低。昨晚看過 Betty Blue 中的Betty 年中無休，以為有了小孩還是 false alarm，我要是有了就該買六合彩。痛得史無前例，我剛讀完張愛玲的小團圓，還以為是什麼內傷，這種事有又煩，無仲煩。總之現在好了，起碼省掉那四鎊七十。

下世無論如何也要做個男的，要不是每大半個月的抑鬱兼神志不清，我豈止道樣。

說的奇怪，來到這裡可能真的空氣好點，作息也定時了，經前爆瘡竟失蹤了。吃的就沒什麼變，我是徹徹底底的 Cookie Monster。黃昏到M&S用兩鎊買了夠吃死我的曲奇。很平，這個價錢只夠在香港買一條。沒錢裝身，唯有食多D。決定戒煙，或起碼戒買煙。好了好了，我說過戒的。

Paul 說昨天看到我的煙盒還在想好不好拿給我，不過如果我那麼 desperate 也等不到他那不送也罷。 Paul 對我說了廿萬次 Please don’t take offence

今天沒上網，不知有沒有任何回音，但希望愈大失望愈大吧。不知還要待多久才有一功半積看看。

My breakfast, my seafood in egg *U*.

And my never-enough-light studio.

My down and out life in Liverpool.

Walking into an one-way alley with no way to return.

Forgive me for being selfish and stupid.

Day25 Apr 4

I went back to my painting in the morning.

Have a shower, and went out about 2 with the yellowish vegetable in my fridge and headed to Paul's flat.

Paul said Mike would like to buy my work if chances allowed, he said he seldom goes back to his word.

It was very sunny so we decided to walk around. He brought me to the graveyard behind the church. It was very beautiful but I didn't take my camera with me. I'll go again next week I bet.

I told Paul I hated taking picture in front of any tourist spots but my mom loves that. Last time I left one of those pix to my mom and she was very very happy. Paul said bring my camera with me next week and take a pix of a grave with me. I said, 'tell mom that this's my new flat. The neighbours are very nice that they never disturb me; and the rent is very cheap, only a few flower each day.' wakakakaka

Paul shown me his family photo but I said he looks like a villain in batman and his brother looks like the evil expert in X-men. I really enjoy the time that we were together, that we always have things to laugh at. Very insane.

And still the best part is he sees me as who I am, really wants me to be happy and worry-free, as a friend. I just know what a piece of shit I am.

After we back home I started reading a bit and later he went out to see football with Mike.

When he was back he grilled the fishcake and cooked the rice while I cooked the vegetable. We finished all the food and went back to cigarette and wine, chatted about all kinds of things until 3am and he went back to his room while I slept on the coach.

Another day has gone.

Day24 Apr3

I tried to go to town for my national insurance number but later I found out I forgot to bring my passport. So instead I went to HSBC and asked them to mail me the bank statement. Finally have I learnt how to.

Then I went back to 69A and checked email etcetcetc, and went to home&bargain for some daily stuff, and went home.

I went to the 2 supermarkets near my home and got some seafood to cook tonight. BUT I dropped my sunglasses when I was crossing the road. Ahhh............... very painful. Thanks god it's not my Ray-ban or I'd kill myself with it.

I finally finished Mirakami's Norwegian Wood. Almost at the last pages, my landlord knocked on my door and asked if I like to have a drink, I said no, if I like to go out, no, if I like to watch tv, god, how many time do I have to say, I fucking hate TV out of all inventions, if I want to see a movie with him, no, then he was fed-up and criticize me always locking myself in the room and read. I can't stand it anymore and told him whether I am bored or not is my business, and if I am bored I can look for other friends, I am almost finishing my book and can you just leave me alone?

How I can make myself feel like home is none of your business, and whether I am bored or I want to watch a movie is none of your business as well, for fuck's sake, can you be a bit smarter? I never have such comment on people but he's an absolute idiot who reckons he knows everything.

I know not much about men, but his stupidity is just incurable I guess, for fuck's sake, if there were any next time, I'll call Paul up to smash him.

Day 23 Apr2

So I have skipped a few days, ai, no worries, let me try to fill it.

The morning part I guess I should skip mentioning it, it's too vile to talk about.

So I went back to Smithdown, redress again and went to town to meet Lydia. She's quite late but I don't know what to buy in tesco, so I sat outside and wait for Lydia. I told her about the shitty landlord and she at first supported him (?!) but later agreed with me and regretted she didn't help me earlier. Aiya, there's nothing to regret about.

Then we took the bus 86 and went back to SMITHDOWN again. I wonder why she asked me to go to town??? And more absurdly, the friend gathering she mentioned in the email was a bible reading hour!!!

Anyway, I understand how badly she wished to help me out of the shit. I truely understand.

And I myself see it as paying back the sin that I have committed.

Keep us away from temptation. Amen.

2Apr 09

I guess it must be the number here is too long and that's the reason why I can't call him back.

And maybe I have written you the wrong number of mine as well.

If that's the case, I bet things are pretty fair.

Though it was pretty crazy, I still can't blind myself to avoid knowing the fact.

In some ways I guess I can just forget it as if nothing has happened.
_______________________________

I felt like drowning on the April Fool.

Day22 Apr1

Commited my first sin. You fool.