雜念六

她說，那些日子裡，把除了生存以外的慾望也一概忘記得一乾二淨。那麼很辛苦嗎？我問道。

也不，日子好像過得明明白白：我不是一個聰明的人，過去或將來，物慾或情慾，不太理解。現在只要記得要確定明天的食物和屋租，連情緒和痛癢也不沾髮膚，簡單多了。

那麼天氣叫你討厭嗎？我問。也不，如果連這些也是不快樂的因由，日子便過不了。

「那你快樂嗎？」

「快不快樂的感覺我也不太會記起。」

「想家嗎？」

「不知道。」

我們面對面的坐，也向窗外看。列車一路向前駛，她的瞳孔深不見底，我在那反光點上看不到任何焦點。風景在被捕捉之前已溜走了。

在下一個站，好幾快樂的嘍囉一踴而上，播著吵鬧的音樂，旁若無人地嬉鬧。在車門再次關上的三秒前，她突然站起來，快步跳下車廂。

其實沒甚麼存在的危險，但從窗外看見她，彷佛像成功脫險後驚魂未定的神態，我不太肯定我們是否地球上同一種生物。

列車再向前行駛，在那喧鬧的車廂中，她的存在隨即成為逝去的風景。

__________________

'Apart from surviving, I have almost forgotten other desires,' she said. 'That must be hard, isn't it?' I did not quite understand.

'Not really. I am not a clever person. Talking about the past or future; materialistic desire or love, I just can't understand. I just have to make sure I have enough food and a roof tomorrow now. Even emotions or pain is irrelevant. It seems a lot easier.'

'What about the weather? It's dreadful all the time.'

'If this is something I gotta complain, there is indeed nothing not frustrating.'

'Are you happy now?'

'I can hardly recall how it is to be happy or sad.'

'Do you miss home?'

'I don't know.'

We were sitting opposite to each other, facing the window. Her eyes were dark like a hollow hole, but in the reflection of light upon them I could not see any focus. The scenery kept falling behind us before we could catch it.

A happy noisy crowd got onto the train when it stops. They played loud music as if they were having a house party. No sooner had the doors closed again, she jumped up and got off the train like a flash.

To be frank, there was no possible danger to both of us we could foresee. When I looked out through the window, I saw her standing still on the platform. She looked confused after her successful fleeing. I wondered if we were the same spices on the same planet.

The train moved again. At the same second her existence became another part of the scenery in my vague memory of this journey.